I'm not popular. Not really. I mean, I go to a small school. Everybody knows everybody and hardly anyone hates me, actually I can't think of anyone who does. But I guess that doesn't mean they don't. So if being known and not hated is your definition of popular, maybe I am popular. But I don't really think so.
But I am almost popular. I get nominated for a lot of those "popularity contests" at OWU like the whOWU awards and homecoming that everyone claims to think are dumb as they are filling them out, but I never actually win. I'm almost cool enough to count as one of the cool kids.
That sounds cocky, doesn't it? I don't mean it to be. I just am amused that I am in this position. I've never been one of the actually popular kids. In fact, I usually hang with the nerdy, weird kid crowd. It's just that this is the very crowd that is cool here. To be a cool kid at OWU, you have to be borderline nuts at least. But I don't really fit in with them either. Well, maybe I fit in, but I'm not really one of them. I look like a leader, but in reality, I fit in with the leaders. It's their shadow that makes me look important. I'm better at encouraging leaders to be who they are than I am at being a leader myself I think. Or at least I feel that way. I don't really like to take control, believe it or not and I don't have to have my way. I'm just often the only one willing to take control. What does that make me?
I'm okay with where I am in life and who I am. I'd be interested to see what my position as "almost popular" looks like to other people.
Wednesday, April 8, 2009
Monday, February 16, 2009
Pointless?
I wonder what the point of having a blog is if I never tell anyone that it exists? Perhaps so I can pontificate on all the thoughts that I like to think are super-intellectual and feel like someone is listening even though no one is. Maybe I'll tell someone about it some day.
Gosh, now I just realized I am talking to myself.
At least I'm listening to music so ridiculous it's awesome while I waste time. Like "I like to Move it" by Crazy Frog and "Total Eclipse of the Heart" by Bonnie Tyler.
Gosh, now I just realized I am talking to myself.
At least I'm listening to music so ridiculous it's awesome while I waste time. Like "I like to Move it" by Crazy Frog and "Total Eclipse of the Heart" by Bonnie Tyler.
Thursday, January 29, 2009
Bad day
Ever just have a bad day? The kind of day where you wake up because you have to even though you really don't want to and something small but not good happens right away? And then something else happens, just a little bit bigger and a little bit worse. And then something else and something else again, until by lunch you're in a huge fight with a friend and you don't even know what happened? Ever had that kind of day where it seems that the only solution to the problem is if the day itself was just over right now?
I'm having that kind of day.
I'm having that kind of day.
Monday, January 26, 2009
Healing all Wounds
I have this scar on my finger.
I got it while we were on vacation once and I tried to open a banana with a serrated knife. Yes, you heard me, a banana. It was too green to open easily and I didn't want to make it all mushy by trying to pry it open. As it turns out, it doesn't take much force to open a banana this way. The knife slid right through the banana and into my skin. I dropped the banana and the knife and stuck my finger in my mouth and tasted the blood as it filled my mouth. I suppose in the grand scheme of things, I didn't bleed that much but it sure seemed like it as I almost passed out on the bathroom floor from the sight of the blood.
That happened probably five, six years ago? I've tried to point this scar out to people, to prove that it's there, but unless the light is just right, no one can ever see it. But trust me, it's there. I can see it, it just barely interrupts my fingerprint, and if I run my fingernail over it, there is this strange sensation of both ultra-sensitivity and numbness. It doesn't affect me very often, but sometimes it gets in the way. Like when Jenna tried to teach me to play the guitar and I had to press the string right where this scar was. It burned like it was bleeding all over again. I know the wound is healed, but I seriously doubt that my finger will ever be completely back to normal.
They say that time heals all wounds. They say. They say to give it time and every grievance that you have will eventually just disappear. But I doubt that's true. Maybe it's a stretch to compare my scarred finger to a human soul, but I think that I see similarities there. There are things in my past that I don't think about every day, that I don't feel every moment, that don't bleed continuously. But they are still there, and I've had a good life, a really good life. I subconsciously avoid situations that could repeat these past events, just like I subconsciously avoid hurting my left pointer finger. These things were wounds, and now they are scars. On the other hand, I see healing there. In elementary school I had a friend who treated me so badly that for years I found it hard to get close to anybody or to trust the motives of anyone who claimed to be my friend. Since then I have had three wonderful people who came into my life who have really gone above and beyond to prove to me that such a thing as loyalty is real. I admire loyalty when I see it and try to emulate this loyalty to the people around me.
So does time heal all wounds? It might seem that way, but I still have to say no. The past can haunt us. It doesn't just go away. Like a wound left uncovered, uncared for, it can fester and ruin the present. I've seen it happen too many times. But I worship the Great Healer. Yes he can and does heal our physical bodies, but he is in the business of healing our souls. Sometimes, actually usually always, when I think about Benji it still hurts. I still feel that on that night, when my prayers mattered more to me than any I had ever muttered before, I was abandoned. But then God shows himself faithful. He grants my requests much more often than I give him credit for. He helps me to slowly have faith again. He is healing my wounds. He might be using time, but time on it's own does nothing.
I got it while we were on vacation once and I tried to open a banana with a serrated knife. Yes, you heard me, a banana. It was too green to open easily and I didn't want to make it all mushy by trying to pry it open. As it turns out, it doesn't take much force to open a banana this way. The knife slid right through the banana and into my skin. I dropped the banana and the knife and stuck my finger in my mouth and tasted the blood as it filled my mouth. I suppose in the grand scheme of things, I didn't bleed that much but it sure seemed like it as I almost passed out on the bathroom floor from the sight of the blood.
That happened probably five, six years ago? I've tried to point this scar out to people, to prove that it's there, but unless the light is just right, no one can ever see it. But trust me, it's there. I can see it, it just barely interrupts my fingerprint, and if I run my fingernail over it, there is this strange sensation of both ultra-sensitivity and numbness. It doesn't affect me very often, but sometimes it gets in the way. Like when Jenna tried to teach me to play the guitar and I had to press the string right where this scar was. It burned like it was bleeding all over again. I know the wound is healed, but I seriously doubt that my finger will ever be completely back to normal.
They say that time heals all wounds. They say. They say to give it time and every grievance that you have will eventually just disappear. But I doubt that's true. Maybe it's a stretch to compare my scarred finger to a human soul, but I think that I see similarities there. There are things in my past that I don't think about every day, that I don't feel every moment, that don't bleed continuously. But they are still there, and I've had a good life, a really good life. I subconsciously avoid situations that could repeat these past events, just like I subconsciously avoid hurting my left pointer finger. These things were wounds, and now they are scars. On the other hand, I see healing there. In elementary school I had a friend who treated me so badly that for years I found it hard to get close to anybody or to trust the motives of anyone who claimed to be my friend. Since then I have had three wonderful people who came into my life who have really gone above and beyond to prove to me that such a thing as loyalty is real. I admire loyalty when I see it and try to emulate this loyalty to the people around me.
So does time heal all wounds? It might seem that way, but I still have to say no. The past can haunt us. It doesn't just go away. Like a wound left uncovered, uncared for, it can fester and ruin the present. I've seen it happen too many times. But I worship the Great Healer. Yes he can and does heal our physical bodies, but he is in the business of healing our souls. Sometimes, actually usually always, when I think about Benji it still hurts. I still feel that on that night, when my prayers mattered more to me than any I had ever muttered before, I was abandoned. But then God shows himself faithful. He grants my requests much more often than I give him credit for. He helps me to slowly have faith again. He is healing my wounds. He might be using time, but time on it's own does nothing.
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