Why I stayed. Of course the answer to this question begins with why I came in the first place. In the summer of 2008, I traveled for my school. For three of our camp weeks, we were stationed in good old SD. I remember loving the camp and the youth pastors and just thinking that this was an all around great experience. The next summer I chose to be a part of what my school dubbed "church planing teams." Not a very original name, but it got the job done. I heard that one of the youth pastors from the year before was planting one of the churches where we would be sending a team. I hadn't spoken much to him, but something in my heart told me that South Dakota was where I wanted to be. I couldn't even spell Sioux and half the time I thought it was on the west side of the state, (south eastern, if you'd like to know) but I thought it'd be a great place to spend a summer. I was pleasantly surprised when I was assigned to come here, along with my dear friend and roommate though college.
Long story short, I loved it, so I stayed, the end.
Wow, I wish it was that easy. I did quickly find that I loved it indeed. (I was fooled by all the sunshine and cool summer weather. Now my heart is set.) But it wasn't that simple. BD was staying. She made the decision look easy. I however, had other plans. I was going to go to seminary. I had it all planned out. I had the deposit down on my first class and was having my mom take trips to go check out apartments for me. This two month internship would end at the perfect time for me to get to school and settle in before classes started. But then something hit me. I can't really explain it but I do know that whatever it is had me crying my eyes out in my pastor's office, torn between what my heart wanted and my plans. I had no plans here. No job. No apartment. No goal. Just friends, a church, and a heart that wouldn't let me think about anything else. I sat, crying, as PT asked me a simple question, "Do you want to stay?" "Yes!" I blurted out before I thought about it. He shrugged as though the answer was completely obvious, "Then stay." He should have just gone ahead and added "duh" to the end. I wanted to argue that it wasn't that easy, but I had already betrayed myself. I had confessed my true wish and there was no going back.
But before you think it was easy, let me assure you it was not. Aside from all the practical tasks on my "to do" list, I still wrestled with, well, everything. I was convinced that God wanted me to stay, but for what? I had a plan and now I had none. Have you ever jumped out of a plane? I haven't, but I'm sure it would feel something like this. A leap of faith, praying to God that he packed your parachute correctly, because there is absolutely no knowing until that moment when it either opens and you glide safely to the ground, or when it doesn't, and you are dead.
Its still confusing at times, but I'm confident that I am where I need to be. I've been here two years and every once in a while I still think, "Huh, South Dakota, who would've thought?" I love it though. Preparing for my third winter here and I'm almost embarrassed to say I'm sort of looking forward to it.. Winter means hot chocolate, friends and card games, cute boots, (I'm a little obsessed) and our fireplace DVD. I'm excited to see that on our new big screen.
Sorry about the long post. Taking questions from the audience. What do you want to hear about? I may need some inspiration at some point.
1 comment:
I love to read your story. God has given you one. You are on a journey that God can see through completion. Zephaniah 3:17. I don't have any ideas for posts. You are the writer, not me.
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