Why I Stayed

While there are lots of amusing, frustrating, or insightful things that I could talk about right now, I think its good to begin with the basics.  Therefore this is a post dedicated to why I came to Sioux Falls and why I stayed, despite weather so cold that frost occasionally develops on the inside of window panes.

Why I stayed.  Of course the answer to this question begins with why I came in the first place.  In the summer of  2008, I traveled for my school.  For three of our camp weeks, we were stationed in good old SD.  I remember loving the camp and the youth pastors and just thinking that this was an all around great experience. The next summer I chose to be a part of what my school dubbed "church planing teams."  Not a very original name, but it got the job done. I heard that one of the youth pastors from the year before was planting one of the churches where we would be sending a team.  I hadn't spoken much to him, but something in my heart told me that South Dakota was where I wanted to be. I couldn't even spell Sioux and half the time I thought it was on the west side of the state, (south eastern, if you'd like to know) but I thought it'd be a great place to spend a summer.  I was pleasantly surprised when I was assigned to come here, along with my dear friend and roommate though college.

Long story short, I loved it, so I stayed, the end.

Wow, I wish it was that easy.  I did quickly find that I loved it indeed. (I was fooled by all the sunshine and cool summer weather.  Now my heart is set.) But it wasn't that simple. BD was staying.  She made the decision look easy. I however, had other plans.  I was going to go to seminary.  I had it all planned out.  I had the deposit down on my first class and was having my mom take trips to go check out apartments for me. This two month internship would end at the perfect time for me to get to school and settle in before classes started. But then something hit me.  I can't really explain it but I do know that whatever it is had me crying my eyes out in my pastor's office, torn between what my heart wanted and my plans.  I had no plans here.  No job.  No apartment. No goal.  Just friends, a church, and a heart that wouldn't let me think about anything else.  I sat, crying, as PT asked me a simple question, "Do you want to stay?" "Yes!" I blurted out before I thought about it.  He shrugged as though the answer was completely obvious, "Then stay." He should have just gone ahead and added "duh" to the end. I wanted to argue that it wasn't that easy, but I had already betrayed myself.  I had confessed my true wish and there was no going back.

But before you think it was easy, let me assure you it was not.  Aside from all the practical tasks on my "to do" list, I still wrestled with, well, everything.  I was convinced that God wanted me to stay, but for what? I had a plan and now I had none.  Have you ever jumped out of a plane?  I haven't, but I'm sure it would feel something like this.  A leap of faith, praying to God that he packed your parachute correctly, because there is absolutely no knowing until that moment when it either opens and you glide safely to the ground, or when it doesn't, and you are dead.

Its still confusing at times, but I'm confident that I am where I need to be.  I've been here two years and every once in a while I still think, "Huh, South Dakota, who would've thought?"  I love it though.  Preparing for my third winter here and I'm almost embarrassed to say I'm sort of looking forward to it..  Winter means hot chocolate, friends and card games, cute boots, (I'm a little obsessed) and our fireplace DVD.  I'm excited to see that on our new big screen.

Sorry about the long post. Taking questions from the audience.  What do you want to hear about?  I may need some inspiration at some point.

Disclaimer

It is my goal with this blog to be honest.  I have no intentions to make this an inspiring blog full of lessons to be learned in life, though I hope my story inspires now and then.  It is not a blog created in order to make you laugh, though I hope it does.  The purpose here is to share my life, selfish as that may seem.  In that light, I promise to never lie to you, but I may not share the whole story.  If I say things are good, it means things are good.  If I don't want you to know if things are bad, I just won't mention whatever it is that is upsetting me.  I expect, given the nature of the subjects I intend to discuss, that I am close to most of you who read these words.  If that is the case, I would probably share anything with you anyways, in person, of course.  Or even a personal FB message.  Does this seem fair?  Besides, discretion must be used out of respect for those who are the cause of my frustration. :)

Inspired

My sister is an inspiring person. Years ago I started this blog and never even told anyone it existed. I wrote things but never shared them. J started a blog and in the process discovered mine. I read her blog and have become inspired to continue my own and maybe tell some people about it this time around. I think the reason the last time was such a flop was that most of the people I knew were near or I had the ability to call them up. Now I have so many friends and family members spread so far out across the country that keeping up is hard. So here I am, writing again in order to share my life with all of you! Don't get to excited. It's bound to be pretty boring.

The most important thing that you need to know, if you don't already, is that I now live in Sioux Falls, South Dakota. If you are wondering why the heck I live in South Dakota, don't worry, I wonder that all the time. I never would have imagined that I would have ended up here, but if you think about it, it was sort of destiny. My mom, after all did get the inspiration for my name from the wonderful, booming metropolis of Chelsea, South Dakota. Yes, ladies and gentlemen, I am named after a town that, as of the 2010 census, had a total of 27 people. Destiny I tell you!

I started this post thinking I wouldn't have enough to say and now I have all kinds of this ideas, like explaining why I really am here, or why I've stayed, or about all the wonderful people here, or about my vendetta against the overuse of the word "yet," or how it actually felt the first time I experienced -30 degree weather. All in time, my little blog reader. For now I will leave you this and the realization that I need to take more pictures.

Isn't she beautiful?

Almost Popular

I'm not popular. Not really. I mean, I go to a small school. Everybody knows everybody and hardly anyone hates me, actually I can't think of anyone who does. But I guess that doesn't mean they don't. So if being known and not hated is your definition of popular, maybe I am popular. But I don't really think so.

But I am almost popular. I get nominated for a lot of those "popularity contests" at OWU like the whOWU awards and homecoming that everyone claims to think are dumb as they are filling them out, but I never actually win. I'm almost cool enough to count as one of the cool kids.

That sounds cocky, doesn't it? I don't mean it to be. I just am amused that I am in this position. I've never been one of the actually popular kids. In fact, I usually hang with the nerdy, weird kid crowd. It's just that this is the very crowd that is cool here. To be a cool kid at OWU, you have to be borderline nuts at least. But I don't really fit in with them either. Well, maybe I fit in, but I'm not really one of them. I look like a leader, but in reality, I fit in with the leaders. It's their shadow that makes me look important. I'm better at encouraging leaders to be who they are than I am at being a leader myself I think. Or at least I feel that way. I don't really like to take control, believe it or not and I don't have to have my way. I'm just often the only one willing to take control. What does that make me?

I'm okay with where I am in life and who I am. I'd be interested to see what my position as "almost popular" looks like to other people.

Pointless?

I wonder what the point of having a blog is if I never tell anyone that it exists? Perhaps so I can pontificate on all the thoughts that I like to think are super-intellectual and feel like someone is listening even though no one is. Maybe I'll tell someone about it some day.

Gosh, now I just realized I am talking to myself.

At least I'm listening to music so ridiculous it's awesome while I waste time. Like "I like to Move it" by Crazy Frog and "Total Eclipse of the Heart" by Bonnie Tyler.

Bad day

Ever just have a bad day? The kind of day where you wake up because you have to even though you really don't want to and something small but not good happens right away? And then something else happens, just a little bit bigger and a little bit worse. And then something else and something else again, until by lunch you're in a huge fight with a friend and you don't even know what happened? Ever had that kind of day where it seems that the only solution to the problem is if the day itself was just over right now?

I'm having that kind of day.

Healing all Wounds

I have this scar on my finger.

I got it while we were on vacation once and I tried to open a banana with a serrated knife. Yes, you heard me, a banana. It was too green to open easily and I didn't want to make it all mushy by trying to pry it open. As it turns out, it doesn't take much force to open a banana this way. The knife slid right through the banana and into my skin. I dropped the banana and the knife and stuck my finger in my mouth and tasted the blood as it filled my mouth. I suppose in the grand scheme of things, I didn't bleed that much but it sure seemed like it as I almost passed out on the bathroom floor from the sight of the blood.

That happened probably five, six years ago? I've tried to point this scar out to people, to prove that it's there, but unless the light is just right, no one can ever see it. But trust me, it's there. I can see it, it just barely interrupts my fingerprint, and if I run my fingernail over it, there is this strange sensation of both ultra-sensitivity and numbness. It doesn't affect me very often, but sometimes it gets in the way. Like when Jenna tried to teach me to play the guitar and I had to press the string right where this scar was. It burned like it was bleeding all over again. I know the wound is healed, but I seriously doubt that my finger will ever be completely back to normal.

They say that time heals all wounds. They say. They say to give it time and every grievance that you have will eventually just disappear. But I doubt that's true. Maybe it's a stretch to compare my scarred finger to a human soul, but I think that I see similarities there. There are things in my past that I don't think about every day, that I don't feel every moment, that don't bleed continuously. But they are still there, and I've had a good life, a really good life. I subconsciously avoid situations that could repeat these past events, just like I subconsciously avoid hurting my left pointer finger. These things were wounds, and now they are scars. On the other hand, I see healing there. In elementary school I had a friend who treated me so badly that for years I found it hard to get close to anybody or to trust the motives of anyone who claimed to be my friend. Since then I have had three wonderful people who came into my life who have really gone above and beyond to prove to me that such a thing as loyalty is real. I admire loyalty when I see it and try to emulate this loyalty to the people around me.

So does time heal all wounds? It might seem that way, but I still have to say no. The past can haunt us. It doesn't just go away. Like a wound left uncovered, uncared for, it can fester and ruin the present. I've seen it happen too many times. But I worship the Great Healer. Yes he can and does heal our physical bodies, but he is in the business of healing our souls. Sometimes, actually usually always, when I think about Benji it still hurts. I still feel that on that night, when my prayers mattered more to me than any I had ever muttered before, I was abandoned. But then God shows himself faithful. He grants my requests much more often than I give him credit for. He helps me to slowly have faith again. He is healing my wounds. He might be using time, but time on it's own does nothing.