Christmas is Weird

The last few posts have been serious and I'm ready for a little fun.  So tonight I'm going to write about how absolutely weird Christmas is.  The Christmas tree is on.  The stocking is being raided early (yes, I already have candy in there. Resse's.  A gift from a sweet friend.  Get it? Sweet? Candy? Don't worry, its funny, because I am hilarious.)  The fireplace DVD is on.  So is the "Christian Contemporary Christmas" station on Pandora.  "Christian" to ensure I hear at least a few carols and in hope that I don't hear "Winter Wonderland" or "Let it Snow" in ANY annoying version again today.  I am officially being as Christmas-y as possible without actually breaking out the ugly sweater because that is way too good to waste on an evening alone.

So here we go, my top 7 reasons that Christmas is weird:

1. The word Yule.   I just don't get it.  And what even is a yule log? Or yuletide?  Or wassail?  Or figgy pudding?

2. Christmas music.  Obviously.  I work in retail, I'm allowed to be slightly Grinch-like about this.  Especially when we listen to the same 8 songs in 12 different versions every day! And especially when the people who made the playlist did dumb things like choose the 12 second version of the Dahoo-Dores song from the Grinch instead of the full song from the end of the movie.  (By the way, did you know its actually daHoo and not daVoo.  I didn't.  Until now.)  Maybe this is why my favorite song at work is "You're a mean one, Mr. Grinch."  But even taking all Grinchiness out of it, think about how weird it is.  What other holiday has an entire genre of music?  Take Valentine's day. "But we need a little Valentine's.  Right this very minute. Roses at my doorstep. Chocolate wrapped in paper." It just doesn't work.

3. Romance.  Can somebody please explain to me how Christmas went from being about the salvation of mankind to how important it is to be kissing under the mistletoe?  We have mistletoe in our apartment and I can assure you it doesn't work, to begin with.  And what's so romantic about the cold anyways?  We sing about romantic sleigh rides but who has even ridden in a sleigh?  Do they even exist anymore?  I guess it would be romantic to snuggle up with the portable furnaces that men tend to be but seriously, when I'm outside in December, I'm usually not thinking, "Hey, let's stare into each other's eyes for a minute."  Its usually, "Get me inside before I learn that it actually is possible for eyeballs to freeze."

4. Presents.  Okay, maybe when we were kids it made more sense.  Kids don't make money, so giving them gifts is perfectly acceptable.  But what about when we are older?  Half the time we just give each other gift cards anyways.  Its like my dad said, "Why don't I just go and get a hundred dollar bill and give it to mom, who can pass it to one kid, to the next, to the next and so on and I'll get it back and put it back in the bank.  Merry Christmas!  In fact, let's just make it a thousand!"  That's kinda what gift cards are.  I know, I know, the idea is to give a gift that they wouldn't normally get themselves but how often do we put that much thought into it?  Maybe I'm just jaded by seeing so many lists where the child has cut out pictures and demanded that they get that exact one.  You wouldn't believe how many people come in only to find that the exact color requested isn't in stock and then get on the phone and ask the child who is getting the gift what would be an acceptable alternative.  Seriously?  Whatever happened to surprises and giving out of love and not obligation?

5. Increased Donations at Christmas.  I get its the end of the year and all that tax-deductible whatever, plus I'm sure many people give out of the generosity of their hearts from their Christmas bonuses and I know organizations aren't crying about the budget-boosting, but don't people know that people are hungry in January too?  That is all.

6. Fireplace DVDs.   I love my fireplace DVD.  Too much probably.  And I know its all in my head, but I do feel warmer when its on. And if you don't have one, you should get one. Check Walgreens.  Got mine for $2 there last year and its the best thing that's ever happened to Sunday Night Hot Drinks. But I admit it.  Its super weird.

7. Green and Red. Pink and red. Red, white, and blue.  Orange and Black.  Who picks these colors anyway?

Don't get me wrong.  I love Christmas. Sometimes I repeat that phrase over and over to myself between clenched teeth to remember that Christmas isn't about rude customers who snap their fingers at you like a dog, or who blame you for the fact that what they want isn't real or that it is real but costs too much.  I love Christmas. (almost as much as I love the song that just came on.  I Celebrate the Day by Relient K. Good job Pandora.)  I even love most parts of the things I talked about above.  Mistletoe may not create romantic magic, but it certainly creates hilarious moments.  As my sister would say, "You say weird as if its a bad thing."

I guess it makes sense though, seeing where the holiday gets its origins.  God as a baby, born to die?  Weirdest thing I ever heard of.  Awesome, but weird.