Two years. Two years ago today, December 10, 2006 a dear friend of mine got up for the morning, put on his skiing gear and took off for what he hoped would be a great day of skiing. By that evening, Benji had quit living his life here on this earth. No one really knows exactly how it happened, because no one saw him crash, but somehow, the best skier I ever knew hit a tree. It killed him instantly; even though his heart continued to beat for several hours, he would never wake up again.
I still remember that day so clearly. Every moment of it seems etched into my mind. From the very first phone call telling me about the accident that I didn't understand to the last to tell me he was gone and on into the night when my last thought was the prayer, "God, let me sleep, I don't want to feel anything anymore." I remember the car ride to the airport and the light conversation moments before we heard the news. I remember laughing and tickling my youngest cousins, thanking God for the chance to take my mind off of the realness of my reality. I remember the moment that I realized he wasn't going to make it and the anguish I felt. I remember two little hands on my knees as my littlest cousin asked me why I was crying. I told him, "because I am sad." He said, "does your tummy hurt?" and asked if he could get me a drink of water. I remember the two words that told me, "he's gone." I remember how my heart broke. All I wanted to do that night was sleep, but I couldn't. I laid in bed curled up looking at pictures and watching videos of him.
The next day, everything reminded me of him. Someone tried to tell me a joke and it reminded me of him. He told the worst jokes. They made no sense, but he laughed so hard, you knew they had to be funny and eventually you laughed too. Benji was a part of our group and we thought he always would be. Instead of watching him graduate and hugging him goodbye, I watched his parents accept his honorary degree and wrote letters to him he would never read.
I miss Benji. In the grand scheme of things, I didn't know him for very long, but I miss him. I realized sometime this semester that I only knew him for three semesters and tomorrow finishes the fourth that I've lived without him. It doesn't seem possible that he has been absent from my life for longer than he was in it. That's the kind of person Benji was, that's how big of an impact he made. Our campus was so quiet after he was gone, life was sucked out of it. For months, I would have given anything to hear some of my friends laugh again, to think of skiing without being scared, to go away for a weekend without wondering if I would ever see everyone again. Benji's death is a constant mark on my life.
It changed everything. Some of my friends were driven closer by it, some were driven apart. Sometimes, I will have freshmen look at my pictures on the walls and tell me they hope their friends get as close as we were. I wonder, if they know what it took for us to be that way, would they still want that? It's been hard, it's been painful, but God is good. I couldn't even begin to list all of the good things that God has brought out of this situation, it would never do it justice. Every day, I realize more and more how much good has happened because of this terrible situation. Knowing God is there makes life bearable, livable. He came so that we may have life, and have it to the full.
Rest in peace, my friend. You are loved.
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