I'm a lucky girl. I always have been, and on some level I've always known it. Even though I was small as a child, and not much has changed, it was never for lack of food. Sometimes my parents and I fought, but I always knew they loved me. Once or twice through the years, I've had friends turn on me and leave me hurting, but new friends, better friends, have always risen up to take their place. And most recently, I have found a man who genuinely loves me, something that still makes me want to pinch myself to make sure I haven't been dreaming.
Any time I take a moment to stop and just think about my life, I realize that I've got it pretty good. These past two weeks I've been even more fortunate to be able to travel to two different countries. First to Mexico, to the city of Juarez, as part of a team to build three houses for three different families, and then to the Dominican Republic, on a vacation earned through a year of hard work.
Juarez is a city known, first and foremost, for its crime. When you mention where you are going, even strangers' eyes get wide as they warn you to be careful. Its touching that they care, but I have no fear. I believe my God will protect me, and even if he doesn't, well, I've heard the pearly gates are beautiful this time of year. From the start, it is clear what kind of city Juarez is. Poverty greets you just minutes inside the border. Houses made from scrap lumber, pallets, old signs, and sheets are the norm. To add to the effect, most of the neighborhood roads are not paved, and the sandy, dirty, bumpy roads only emphasizes the shock of the poverty.
Oddly enough, its the kind of place that feels like coming home. I'm not a skilled builder, I only speak a very broken Spanish, and I'm not good at making friends with strangers, but no matter how hectic my life is, or how directionless I feel, I always know that my time in Mexico is right. I don't get it, probably never will, but Mexico is in my blood. Sometimes I think about taking a different mission trip, say to Africa perhaps, but then I end up thinking, "But then I couldn't go to Mexico this year" and quickly ditch the idea. Like I said, its in the blood.
The Dominican, however, is different. Or at least my experience was. The DR is known as the wealthier of the two countries on the island of Hispaniola. The life expectancy is higher than Haiti, as is the literacy rate, and I would guess so is the tourists to citizens ratio. I've never heard anyone say "Hey, you know, I think Haiti would be a great place to vacation."
The accommodations are considerably better than Juarez. The toilets, for one, can handle toilet paper and you are allowed to flush them whenever you want. The food is endless, and the scenery breathtaking. The grounds of this hotel are immaculate and the rooms are, inexplicably, cleaned twice a day (if you aren't already in bed by the time round two comes along, that is). The decor is stunning, like the Titanic, only the guests are wearing swimsuit and cover ups and not tuxes and ballgowns. I usually get some amount of culture shock coming back into the overindulgence of the United States. This transition has left me overwhelmed.
Yesterday, however, we went on a tour that (finally!) let us leave our resort and I saw, from the back of a safari truck, how the people here live. Many live off the land, and the land here is fruitful, so my guess is that many less here starve, but I have no proof. The houses, on average, are bigger than those in Juarez and most look like they were intentionally built all at once and not over time as materials could be found. Still, many children were barefoot and I don't think it was always by choice.
For some reason, as we were driving by I thought of some stats I had heard. To confirm them, I just did some math (and by math I mean that I found this) Did you know that if you make $3,000, a year you are in the top 15% richest people in the world? That's approximately what I made the first year I filed taxes. I was in High School. If you make $48,000, you are in the top 1%. Occupy Wall Street came to mind and I have to think; we have no idea what it means to be the 99%. Even those of us who have thousands and thousands to go before we even make it to the top 5% have no idea. I have no idea.
I visit and see the way the rest of the world lives for a time, do what I can and leave, hoping I changed a life. Or start a revolution of love. But I'd be content with just one life.
Sometimes I hear of the lives changed by my team's actions and it still moves me to tears, but usually I just have to trust that something has been done.
This isn't necessarily a call to do something, because if you asked me how to change the world, I'd tell you, "I have no idea."
But I've been thinking about something that was said one night doing devotions in Mexico that went something like this. "There is no reason that you had to be born into the United States (where, by the way, the poverty line puts you in the top 13% of people in the world) Statistics would say you'd be way more likely to be poor. So why did God put you here? Why did he give you what you have? What does he want you to do with it?"
Friday, March 22, 2013
Saturday, September 1, 2012
Introductions
I believe its time for introductions. Bloggy world, meet Drew. Drew, meet my blog. I hope you don't mind being today's topic of conversation.
His full name is Andrew of course. We've been dating for about six weeks now. (not that anyone's counting) He works on cars, customizing and painting them. Stuff like that. I'd go into more detail but to be honest I really don't understand everything. (But I am learning!) He likes Mt Dew and hates mint. (Weird, right?) He doesn't like watching sports because it means he isn't playing sports and he knows more movie quotes than any person I know.
The question that everyone seems to be asking is "Is he a good guy? Does he treat you right?" The quick answer is "absolutely." The full answer would take so long to completely explain that I'd have no more readers left by the time I went into all the details. So, since they say a picture is worth a thousand words:
Yes, those are from him, and no we weren't celebrating anything in particular. Just a regular date. On a Monday. Flowers just because they'd make me smile? I'd say that answers the question pretty well.
He makes me smile constantly and makes me laugh at every opportunity. He is kind and sweet and, man, you've just got to meet him. He seems to find it difficult to get through a car ride across town without reaching out to hold my hand, which warms my heart every time. He is honest, which is more refreshing than I thought possible. He is courageous, which is priceless for someone who finds herself afraid of just about everything. He has a knack for saying just the right thing at just the right time, right when I need to hear it the most. He encourages me and tells me things that make me laugh in the face of my insecurities.
So yeah, I'd say he's a good guy. A great guy even and I'm lucky to have him in my life.
Monday, August 13, 2012
Conglomeration
I haven't posted in a while. Whenever this happens, it makes it hard to know what to write the first time I'm back. So many things have happened. What do I chose to write about? So, I've decided to take a different approach. Instead of writing a post to try to say all the things I've been wanting to say, I'll just use words I've already used. So here it is, the very first collection of excerpts from my journal to ever go public.
7 March 2012
"I learned a new word in life group last night. Peripety. It means a sudden change in the course of events. It often comes at a time when you least expect it. For example, in the book of Esther, you expect the course of events to change as soon as Esther points her finger at Haman and in effect says, "That man is trying to kill me!" You would think that this would be the moment that went from everything going wrong to everything going right. But no, it happens before that banquet. It happens in the middle of the night when the king has trouble sleeping and asks what should be done for Mordecai. That is the moment that the bad guy begins to meet his demise.
I found it interesting that we learned that word at this moment in my life. I believe that I have had a moment of peripety recently. It is too early yet to know if it will change the course of my life or simply the course of my summer, but it has already brought change.
It was one young girl, one afternoon at Scheels, trying on swimsuits. She struck a nerve in my heart and I felt compassion for her. So, I wrote her a letter. And I posted it to my blog. Hearing her tears seemed so very uneventful at the time, but because of it, many people have been encouraged by it. Several youth pastors, friends of mine, have shared it with their kids. My dad shared it with his church. And most recently, I have been asked to speak at camp because of it. And maybe it will end there. But maybe it won't because God likes to work like that. He likes to take those small moments that at, as long as they are happening, seem insignificant to us and he likes to turn them into something big.
Maybe, just maybe, he is taking all those car rides and afternoons on a bridge in the sun and using them to set my feet upon a path. Maybe my course is set and I just have to walk through doors."
23 April 2012, Mexico. The first day on the work-site when next to nothing seemed to go right.
"...but as always proves to be true, God is faithful. Moving the dirt took time, but it got moved. The lack of electricity meant that the boards were all measured by the time we got a saw, so when we got the generator going, we had an epic assembly line going...And though it was a close call, the cement truck did squeeze itself in and the laying of the foundation went well.
In my experience, big obstacles mean big things are going to happen, and after today, this thought is only reconfirmed. Without the trials, there would have been no victories, only tasks accomplished. Even with our setbacks, we finished everything that should have been done today...three hours later than usual, but its done. If tomorrow goes well, it will be a blessing to us all. If it goes like today, God will get us through.
God, my prayer for myself for this trip is that you might give me courage, that you might remind me once again why my heart is stuck here, that you might open my eyes to something I've never seen before. My prayer for the group is that you absolutely bring us together. Show each of us what you would have us see. Open our eyes to your lessons. Make our hearts receptive to them. And for our family, Lord. Give them peace and remind them again and again of your love each time they step foot into that house."
1May 2012
"What do you do when you leave part of your heart behind? How do you go back to the mundane when you just touched extraordinary?
I live in two places at once
My body is here.
My heart and soul are covered in dust and wielding a hammer. My thoughts are with the Mexican people and my mind on the injustice of everything."
And that doesn't take you up very recently in my life at all. I recognize that. But, all my more recent journal entries are full of things that are still too dear to my heart to share, or problems that are yet to be solved, or secrets that are not mine to tell. Also, some of them just aren't very good and I just don't want you thinking less of me. So you'll have to settle for this for now.
7 March 2012
"I learned a new word in life group last night. Peripety. It means a sudden change in the course of events. It often comes at a time when you least expect it. For example, in the book of Esther, you expect the course of events to change as soon as Esther points her finger at Haman and in effect says, "That man is trying to kill me!" You would think that this would be the moment that went from everything going wrong to everything going right. But no, it happens before that banquet. It happens in the middle of the night when the king has trouble sleeping and asks what should be done for Mordecai. That is the moment that the bad guy begins to meet his demise.
I found it interesting that we learned that word at this moment in my life. I believe that I have had a moment of peripety recently. It is too early yet to know if it will change the course of my life or simply the course of my summer, but it has already brought change.
It was one young girl, one afternoon at Scheels, trying on swimsuits. She struck a nerve in my heart and I felt compassion for her. So, I wrote her a letter. And I posted it to my blog. Hearing her tears seemed so very uneventful at the time, but because of it, many people have been encouraged by it. Several youth pastors, friends of mine, have shared it with their kids. My dad shared it with his church. And most recently, I have been asked to speak at camp because of it. And maybe it will end there. But maybe it won't because God likes to work like that. He likes to take those small moments that at, as long as they are happening, seem insignificant to us and he likes to turn them into something big.
Maybe, just maybe, he is taking all those car rides and afternoons on a bridge in the sun and using them to set my feet upon a path. Maybe my course is set and I just have to walk through doors."
23 April 2012, Mexico. The first day on the work-site when next to nothing seemed to go right.
"...but as always proves to be true, God is faithful. Moving the dirt took time, but it got moved. The lack of electricity meant that the boards were all measured by the time we got a saw, so when we got the generator going, we had an epic assembly line going...And though it was a close call, the cement truck did squeeze itself in and the laying of the foundation went well.
In my experience, big obstacles mean big things are going to happen, and after today, this thought is only reconfirmed. Without the trials, there would have been no victories, only tasks accomplished. Even with our setbacks, we finished everything that should have been done today...three hours later than usual, but its done. If tomorrow goes well, it will be a blessing to us all. If it goes like today, God will get us through.
God, my prayer for myself for this trip is that you might give me courage, that you might remind me once again why my heart is stuck here, that you might open my eyes to something I've never seen before. My prayer for the group is that you absolutely bring us together. Show each of us what you would have us see. Open our eyes to your lessons. Make our hearts receptive to them. And for our family, Lord. Give them peace and remind them again and again of your love each time they step foot into that house."
1May 2012
"What do you do when you leave part of your heart behind? How do you go back to the mundane when you just touched extraordinary?
I live in two places at once
My body is here.
My heart and soul are covered in dust and wielding a hammer. My thoughts are with the Mexican people and my mind on the injustice of everything."
And that doesn't take you up very recently in my life at all. I recognize that. But, all my more recent journal entries are full of things that are still too dear to my heart to share, or problems that are yet to be solved, or secrets that are not mine to tell. Also, some of them just aren't very good and I just don't want you thinking less of me. So you'll have to settle for this for now.
Tuesday, April 3, 2012
When I grow up, I want to be Beth Moore
Ever feel like everything in life finally comes down to just this one thing? I have an amazing opportunity coming up that feels that way for me. I get to spend three days this summer talking at youth camp to a room just full of girls and I'm just absolutely pumped about it. Its one of those things that seemed to come from nowhere and yet the timing seems perfect for me.
You see, had I had the opportunity to do this in high school or even three years ago when I graduated college, I would have had all the answers. I would have known every single word to say, every word I should say, every piece of advice I have ever given to any girl would have been right there ready for me to spout off. And it would have been true. And it would have probably sounded alright.
And it would have been completely and utterly fake.
Credit it to growing up with wonderful parents who made sure I was loved and that I knew it. Or to the fact that I am naturally very small in a culture that values starving yourself to look a certain way. Or to the fact that I've lead a relatively easy life. Heck, credit it to whatever you want, but for much of my life, I've not struggled with many of the things that many other women do. I'd never tried to change anything about myself. Never dyed my hair for any reason other than for pure fun. Never tried to fit into any fashion trend. Never tried to be someone I wasn't.
And then, that all changed. Something within me broke. The reasons behind it are complicated. God asked me to follow Him and following meant taking a leap of faith which ended up feeling like I was hurtling from a plane with no parachute. All my best friends in the world moved all across the country. And some out of the country. And then my heart was broken. Twice. And again when one dream seemed to fall apart. And again when I felt abandoned by those who had promised to be there. And again when yet another friend died. I became discouraged as person after person told me I was "stuck." (Can you really be stuck when God has asked you to stay? Just a thought.) I fought with God because my dreams didn't line up with his.
All this made me question so many things. Suddenly it mattered very much to me what I wore and how my hair looked. It began to matter whether I was pretty or not. I wanted to fit in, to be noticed, to matter. I became scared, hurt, lonely. I learned what shame was, and realized you didn't have to necessarily have to do anything terrible to feel it. You just had to believe that you were worth being scorned.
Yet here I am, months out from that time and able to look back and realize just how much I've learned. I would never, ever choose to go through that again, but I think that, given the choice, I would never take that time away from myself either.
You see, God gives incredible grace, and yet, without feeling just how unworthy of it you are, can you truly appreciate the gift? He has given us freedom, but do we understand it without captivity? He has given wisdom, but without experience, doesn't it just seem trite to those listening? And if all our dreams were given to us immediately, wouldn't we be ungrateful?
So as I get ready to speak to these young women, I can stand up there and speak researched, Biblical truth, but I can say it with the experience of one who has felt a little something of the pain that I know those girls as a group, and individuals, have felt. Just the smallest portion in some, probably most, cases, but maybe that will be enough.
I've been giving it a lot of thought but I've begun to narrow down my topics. Here is where I'd like your help. If anyone out there knows of resources of any kind to fit the following topics, let me know what they are so I can begin my research. And I'm looking for any kind of resource. Book, movie, specific Bible passages, Church fathers, personal advice or anecdotes, pop culture (I'm gonna try my darndest to throw at least one Hunger Games reference in there). Anything and everything helps. Here are the (very generalized) topics I have so far; inner vs outer beauty or anything that can tie into this. God's love for his people. Courage (especially anything relating to Esther and her statement "If I die, I die.") Relationships (specifically the value of loyalty and female friendships. I would like to focus mostly on the girls' friendships with each other, but let's face it, teenage girls want to talk boys so there will probably be some of that. Guys out there, any advice you have on that subject would be handy as well.) I have some more specific ideas myself, but I kinda want to see where this will take me. Thanks everyone!
You see, had I had the opportunity to do this in high school or even three years ago when I graduated college, I would have had all the answers. I would have known every single word to say, every word I should say, every piece of advice I have ever given to any girl would have been right there ready for me to spout off. And it would have been true. And it would have probably sounded alright.
And it would have been completely and utterly fake.
Credit it to growing up with wonderful parents who made sure I was loved and that I knew it. Or to the fact that I am naturally very small in a culture that values starving yourself to look a certain way. Or to the fact that I've lead a relatively easy life. Heck, credit it to whatever you want, but for much of my life, I've not struggled with many of the things that many other women do. I'd never tried to change anything about myself. Never dyed my hair for any reason other than for pure fun. Never tried to fit into any fashion trend. Never tried to be someone I wasn't.
And then, that all changed. Something within me broke. The reasons behind it are complicated. God asked me to follow Him and following meant taking a leap of faith which ended up feeling like I was hurtling from a plane with no parachute. All my best friends in the world moved all across the country. And some out of the country. And then my heart was broken. Twice. And again when one dream seemed to fall apart. And again when I felt abandoned by those who had promised to be there. And again when yet another friend died. I became discouraged as person after person told me I was "stuck." (Can you really be stuck when God has asked you to stay? Just a thought.) I fought with God because my dreams didn't line up with his.
All this made me question so many things. Suddenly it mattered very much to me what I wore and how my hair looked. It began to matter whether I was pretty or not. I wanted to fit in, to be noticed, to matter. I became scared, hurt, lonely. I learned what shame was, and realized you didn't have to necessarily have to do anything terrible to feel it. You just had to believe that you were worth being scorned.
Yet here I am, months out from that time and able to look back and realize just how much I've learned. I would never, ever choose to go through that again, but I think that, given the choice, I would never take that time away from myself either.
You see, God gives incredible grace, and yet, without feeling just how unworthy of it you are, can you truly appreciate the gift? He has given us freedom, but do we understand it without captivity? He has given wisdom, but without experience, doesn't it just seem trite to those listening? And if all our dreams were given to us immediately, wouldn't we be ungrateful?
So as I get ready to speak to these young women, I can stand up there and speak researched, Biblical truth, but I can say it with the experience of one who has felt a little something of the pain that I know those girls as a group, and individuals, have felt. Just the smallest portion in some, probably most, cases, but maybe that will be enough.
I've been giving it a lot of thought but I've begun to narrow down my topics. Here is where I'd like your help. If anyone out there knows of resources of any kind to fit the following topics, let me know what they are so I can begin my research. And I'm looking for any kind of resource. Book, movie, specific Bible passages, Church fathers, personal advice or anecdotes, pop culture (I'm gonna try my darndest to throw at least one Hunger Games reference in there). Anything and everything helps. Here are the (very generalized) topics I have so far; inner vs outer beauty or anything that can tie into this. God's love for his people. Courage (especially anything relating to Esther and her statement "If I die, I die.") Relationships (specifically the value of loyalty and female friendships. I would like to focus mostly on the girls' friendships with each other, but let's face it, teenage girls want to talk boys so there will probably be some of that. Guys out there, any advice you have on that subject would be handy as well.) I have some more specific ideas myself, but I kinda want to see where this will take me. Thanks everyone!
Wednesday, February 29, 2012
Mexico
I went to Disney world this past week. I won a trip through my work and had the opportunity to take my family. We had a great time, took pictures with characters, rode some rides and ate food. Boy did we eat food. The first place inside an actual Disney park that we ate at was this Mexican taco stand. I was slightly doubtful because nothing, and I mean nothing, can beat a good old traditional made and ate in Mexico Mexican taco. Try it. It can't be done. So I didn't have my hopes up. And despite the fact that it wasn't exactly the same, it was pretty darn close. And completely delicious. And it got me thinking about Mexico. Not that it really takes much, truth be told.
Everyone has their thing. That thing that makes them smile, or cry, or simply just feel. Mexico is that for me. The thought that I get to go back in April makes me smile and deeply happy. The statistics about the living conditions in Juarez make me so sad. And when people unknowingly (or knowingly) reveal their racism when talking about the country or its people, it makes me seethe in anger, usually quietly because I am passionate enough about the subject that I know my arguments won't sound completely rational.
I've written this blog several times, trying to put into words why I feel the way I do about Mexico, about the work I get to do down there, about God's plan with his people there, and the injustice that is being done there every single day, but I can't. No words can truly explain why this place means so much to me. I've tried and they all fall short. So I leave it with just the thought that I was in Disney World, enjoying free everything and my mind was completely wrapped up in the taco in my hand and all the thoughts that went with it.
I hesitated to include this part because this isn't about money. But, as I said, I am going again, and I know some of you love to send others to go, and I won't deprive you of that opportunity. So if you'd like to help you can send a check with my name in the memo to The Ransom Church 700 N Main, Sioux Falls, SD 57104.
But more than that, pray. Pray for our trip, that God's will will be done. It is a dangerous location and we will be driving 24 hours overnight so prayers for safety are appreciated as well. But more than that, pray for the family that we will be helping. Pray that if they do not know God that this new house will help point them to him. And pray that if they do know him that they will feel his love more and more every time they step into the house that he built through us. Pray for Mexico too. It seems like such a daunting task to tackle all of the problems there but I believe in a God who works miracles and he can do mighty things. Pray for the innocent people caught up in the crossfire of the gang wars, and the innocent people struggling to feed their family. Pray that help will come, but pray harder that comfort will be their constant companion until help arrives. The Mexican people are our neighbors, our family. Never forget that. Pray also for those who are exploiting their countrymen. Pray their hearts will be changed and that they turn from their evil ways and turn to God. Pray that if they chose to reject God and his forgiveness that justice will prevail and that evil will be defeated. Pray for the courageous policemen who put themselves on the line to fight the bad guys. Pray and never stop.
Everyone has their thing. That thing that makes them smile, or cry, or simply just feel. Mexico is that for me. The thought that I get to go back in April makes me smile and deeply happy. The statistics about the living conditions in Juarez make me so sad. And when people unknowingly (or knowingly) reveal their racism when talking about the country or its people, it makes me seethe in anger, usually quietly because I am passionate enough about the subject that I know my arguments won't sound completely rational.
I've written this blog several times, trying to put into words why I feel the way I do about Mexico, about the work I get to do down there, about God's plan with his people there, and the injustice that is being done there every single day, but I can't. No words can truly explain why this place means so much to me. I've tried and they all fall short. So I leave it with just the thought that I was in Disney World, enjoying free everything and my mind was completely wrapped up in the taco in my hand and all the thoughts that went with it.
I hesitated to include this part because this isn't about money. But, as I said, I am going again, and I know some of you love to send others to go, and I won't deprive you of that opportunity. So if you'd like to help you can send a check with my name in the memo to The Ransom Church 700 N Main, Sioux Falls, SD 57104.
But more than that, pray. Pray for our trip, that God's will will be done. It is a dangerous location and we will be driving 24 hours overnight so prayers for safety are appreciated as well. But more than that, pray for the family that we will be helping. Pray that if they do not know God that this new house will help point them to him. And pray that if they do know him that they will feel his love more and more every time they step into the house that he built through us. Pray for Mexico too. It seems like such a daunting task to tackle all of the problems there but I believe in a God who works miracles and he can do mighty things. Pray for the innocent people caught up in the crossfire of the gang wars, and the innocent people struggling to feed their family. Pray that help will come, but pray harder that comfort will be their constant companion until help arrives. The Mexican people are our neighbors, our family. Never forget that. Pray also for those who are exploiting their countrymen. Pray their hearts will be changed and that they turn from their evil ways and turn to God. Pray that if they chose to reject God and his forgiveness that justice will prevail and that evil will be defeated. Pray for the courageous policemen who put themselves on the line to fight the bad guys. Pray and never stop.
Monday, February 13, 2012
Again
Once again, I am faced with the task of dealing with coping with the death of a peer. Again the weapon was a pair of skis. Tina was killed Saturday as she learned to ski. My thoughts are not quite to the place where I can truly write cohesively about this but I am struck with one thing: how very different it feels from last time.
With Benji, I felt as though my life was suddenly placed on a tilt-a-whirl. I felt as though everything that I knew was upended and suddenly destroyed. The way I thought about life and God did not fit in with what had happened. Though I never would have admitted it before that moment, I quickly realized that I had been treating God as a genie, who simply existed to answer my prayers. I believed that if my prayers were not answered it was because I somehow failed to word them right or failed to have enough passion in my heart or faith. To find the magic words, if you will. But I prayed every possible combination of words for Benji. I prayed more passionately for him than I ever had prayed up until that point in my life. And I truly, almost naively, believed that healing would come. But it didn't. And the realization that God was not who I thought he was nearly destroyed my faith. In the words of C.S. Lewis, I learned that he was "not a tame lion." Slowly, ever so slowly, I came to believe that this was a good thing and that God's plan for my life and humanity was way more complex and truly good than anything I could ever come up with. We began to speak again.
Tina has only been gone for two days but my reaction is already so different. I already believe in a God who has things under control no matter what happens. While I am sad that I never got to know such a wonderful young lady better and my heart absolutely breaks for everyone whose pain is overwhelming today, I have more peace in my heart now than I did for months five years ago. I think about her in heaven and how lucky she is to experience that. A strange emotion has even surfaced that I never expected; jealousy. All her questions are answered. Every little thing that wasn't really an issue but bothered her anyways has disappeared. She gets to see the Lord face to face. I am struck by how much more heaven minded I am. I believed Benji was with the Lord, but I found little comfort in it at the time. Today I find so much comfort in that fact, for both Benji and Tina.
It is true that I was not as close to Tina as I was Benji but I think the reasons for my different reactions go deeper than that. There has been a real change in my soul. I still mourn, but I mourn with hope. I look at the friends I have with gratefulness and not with fear that they too would be taken from me and I thank God for the change.
But still, if you ski, please wear a helmet.
With Benji, I felt as though my life was suddenly placed on a tilt-a-whirl. I felt as though everything that I knew was upended and suddenly destroyed. The way I thought about life and God did not fit in with what had happened. Though I never would have admitted it before that moment, I quickly realized that I had been treating God as a genie, who simply existed to answer my prayers. I believed that if my prayers were not answered it was because I somehow failed to word them right or failed to have enough passion in my heart or faith. To find the magic words, if you will. But I prayed every possible combination of words for Benji. I prayed more passionately for him than I ever had prayed up until that point in my life. And I truly, almost naively, believed that healing would come. But it didn't. And the realization that God was not who I thought he was nearly destroyed my faith. In the words of C.S. Lewis, I learned that he was "not a tame lion." Slowly, ever so slowly, I came to believe that this was a good thing and that God's plan for my life and humanity was way more complex and truly good than anything I could ever come up with. We began to speak again.
Tina has only been gone for two days but my reaction is already so different. I already believe in a God who has things under control no matter what happens. While I am sad that I never got to know such a wonderful young lady better and my heart absolutely breaks for everyone whose pain is overwhelming today, I have more peace in my heart now than I did for months five years ago. I think about her in heaven and how lucky she is to experience that. A strange emotion has even surfaced that I never expected; jealousy. All her questions are answered. Every little thing that wasn't really an issue but bothered her anyways has disappeared. She gets to see the Lord face to face. I am struck by how much more heaven minded I am. I believed Benji was with the Lord, but I found little comfort in it at the time. Today I find so much comfort in that fact, for both Benji and Tina.
It is true that I was not as close to Tina as I was Benji but I think the reasons for my different reactions go deeper than that. There has been a real change in my soul. I still mourn, but I mourn with hope. I look at the friends I have with gratefulness and not with fear that they too would be taken from me and I thank God for the change.
But still, if you ski, please wear a helmet.
Wednesday, January 4, 2012
New Year's Resolutions
I heard somewhere that if you share your resolutions with someone, you are more likely to keep them. So here we go, internet world. I am sharing my resolutions with you.
#1- Stick to my budget. As long as I do this, I have no reason to worry about money. Its only when I decide that I can splurge when I really can't that I have issues. AND, as many of you are well aware, my car, while still functioning quite well, is getting old and all the little things are falling apart. I'd like to not have a car payment when the thing actually dies on me and a new car with a remote start will be welcome if next winter is a true SD winter unlike this one. So saving el dinero is high priority.
#2 - Keep playing guitar even though I'm not taking lessons anymore. Playing guitar has been a dream of mine since I was little and just because #1 interferes with lessons, it doesn't mean it has to interfere with the dream.
That's it. Keeping it simple and realistic this year.
#1- Stick to my budget. As long as I do this, I have no reason to worry about money. Its only when I decide that I can splurge when I really can't that I have issues. AND, as many of you are well aware, my car, while still functioning quite well, is getting old and all the little things are falling apart. I'd like to not have a car payment when the thing actually dies on me and a new car with a remote start will be welcome if next winter is a true SD winter unlike this one. So saving el dinero is high priority.
#2 - Keep playing guitar even though I'm not taking lessons anymore. Playing guitar has been a dream of mine since I was little and just because #1 interferes with lessons, it doesn't mean it has to interfere with the dream.
That's it. Keeping it simple and realistic this year.
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